Writer suggests using 'I' statements to end 12-year friendship

R. Eric Thomas advised a reader to focus on her own feelings when telling a 12-year friend why the relationship is ending. Thomas wrote that explaining the change from an 'I' perspective keeps the feedback clear and honest. This approach avoids the risk of the friend feeling defensive about her behavior.

The reader, who signs as 'Out of Like with My Friend,' described a woman she has known for about 12 years. They shared interests and went on adventures together. The woman was married when they met and later became widowed. The reader described the marriage as uncomfortable, noting that the woman was always in charge and rarely apologized.

This summer, the two friends booked the same week-long adventure trip. The woman brought a new boyfriend. The reader observed that the new relationship mirrored the dynamic of the previous marriage. The woman belittled the boyfriend, called him a dork, and made fun of his jokes. The boyfriend seemed to tolerate her demands and comply with them.

The reader said the behavior made her uncomfortable and angry. She lost respect for her friend's lack of humanity and decency. While some people might say it is between the couple, the reader felt the interaction gave her a new view of her friend's character. She decided she no longer feels like being friends with her but was unsure if she should tell her why.

Thomas responded by asking the reader to define her goal for the conversation. If she wanted the friend to treat her boyfriend differently, Thomas said she might be overstepping. It is possible that what looks unhealthy to the reader works for the couple. However, if the goal is simply to explain why the friendship is hitting a rough patch, the reader is in the clear.

He recommended speaking from an 'I' perspective. She should describe how she is experiencing the things her friend does and how she felt when they happened. The friend may or may not feel compelled to change. That is not the reader's responsibility. The conversation might allow them to see each other differently.

In a follow-up letter, a reader named 'Been There' shared a related thought about a previous column. She described how she and her husband divorced nearly 50 years ago after his affairs. They maintained a good relationship as co-parents. When their children and cousins asked about the split, she told them they had grown apart by not paying enough attention to the marriage. She emphasized that her ex was a good man and they both loved their children. She has never told them anything else. This approach allows the families to celebrate holidays together with their spouses and grandchildren. Thomas replied that her point was well taken. He noted that it is not a parent's job to manage the relationship between an ex and an adult child. The details of a divorce are rarely illuminating because every marriage is different. He suggested that telling the truth with respect and dignity is the best option.

Thomas is currently preparing two upcoming themed columns. He is looking for questions about petty grievances or tiny problems that a reader cannot quite fix. He is also seeking 'Cold Case Questions' about settled past issues, such as a lost friendship or a cold war between people. Readers can send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. He will print both themes later this year and early next year.